I need to express these thoughts somewhere so I’ll just do it here.
The first part of The Hobbit is out and the fandom exploded. I waited 10 years for that movie. Through my whole life I’ve been watching the LOTR movies over and over so many times I know them so badly by heart people won’t believe it until they see it.
When I was 13 I didn’t have a life and would spend most of my time sitting in front of my TV and rewinding my VHS of Return of the King (because I didn’t have a DVD in my room k?) to watch my favourite parts over and over again. I watched the full movie about once a day for many weeks. I would do my best to find more information about things and slowly my love expanded form the movies to the books and all that is Tolkien. Most of this time I’ve been completely alone in this passionate love for all of this. This was like my first real interest except for horses so it means a darn lot to me. It shaped by whole way of loving things all the way up until today. My relationship to LOTR and all that connects to that is holy for me.
It’s not weird that I was crying the first 15 minutes of The Hobbit at the premiere. For so many years I never though I would see anything more. Every time I watch the extra material of RotK I cry and cry as if there is no tomorrow because that was THE END for me. The end. Nothing more. And now there is?
Now there is also a whole lot of people who find this or rediscover the love for this. I’m happy for all of these people and I wish you the best of happiness in the beautiful world that is Tolkien.
But I’m scared.
I was so alone for so long and now there’s all of these who come around talking about LOTR and The Hobbit and Tolkien in general and I just don’t know how I’m supposed to react. I don’t need other people because for 10 years I didn’t have anyone. Sure, there was conversations every now and then but nothing like this.
And I’m fucking scared because I can’t talk about it but people do and I just sit there and wonder what the fuck is going on. There’s also this expectation of me that because I’ve loved it so much for so long I know everything. But I don’t. I know what I do and want I want to and every now and then I find new information and that’s it.I don’t need to compete with my knowledge. I just love it, aren’t I allowed to do that?
People expect me to be happy about it but I’m not. I’m not upset either. I’m just confused and scared and I really don’t know what to do. I want to join the glee of The Hobbit and sudden rise of popularity as well as go hide and cry about not knowing what I’m supposed to do.